woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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