dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
