I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
