I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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