my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
