I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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