I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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