Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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