I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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