im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
