You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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