Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
