I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
