Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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