Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
