How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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