When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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