so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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