Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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