So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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