I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Why did my mother make you get naked?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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