why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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