Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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