I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
