does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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