Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
