can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
