oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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