is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
