Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
