I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
