and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
there was a trapeze. enough said
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
