based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
