It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
