I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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