we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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