The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
