its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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