It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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