hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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