1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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