Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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