i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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