You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
