dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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