I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
