woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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