a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
