turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
