As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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