I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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