I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
