True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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