Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
